


Five Nights After He Lost Her

by Anonymous



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Angst, F/M, Feels, Implied Relationships, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Love, One Shot, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-08
Updated: 2020-05-13
Packaged: 2021-03-02 18:28:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,776
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24071407
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/
Summary: The one where Levi spent five nights confronting the truth that he had just lost his entire squad. That he had lost her.And the one where their last five days flashes in Petra's eyes.
Relationships: Levi/Petra Ral
Comments: 4
Kudos: 43
Collections: Anonymous





	1. Five Nights After He Lost Her

The **first night** after Levi lost Petra, he opened the box of black tea she bought for him. It was half-empty. Like him, he thought. When the hot cup touched his lips, he spit the liquid almost immediately. His scowl was the worst it could get. The tea was piping hot and extremely bitter. And yet, he kept sipping. He kept drinking until his throat was scorched and his tongue was numb. He had to feel something. _Anything_.

_Where are you? I know you’re somewhere. Come back and make me black tea again. How do you do it? Teach me. It just doesn’t taste like the way you do it._

He used to like this type of bitterness, but ever since she gave him tea where she added a cube of sugar and a little bit of honey, he knew he had his new favorite flavor. But now, no matter how many cubes he dropped or how much honey he put, it still tasted bitter on his tongue. Maybe it was her sweetness to him that made the tea taste much better.

On that night, he vowed to never open that box again. He hid it in the cupboard—somewhere no one else was sure to find. And then he promised never to drink black tea again. It just won’t taste the same way. If he couldn’t make something that compared to what she used to make, nothing will.

The **second night** after he lost her, he opened one of the compartments of his desk. There he saw the badge he ripped from her jacket. And he crushed it. He crushed it as if he were crushing the head of the Female Titan. He crushed it as if he were crushing bones.

_Tch. How dare you leave me, brat? You’re never coming back, are you?_

She promised she’d never leave him. And he _fucking promised_ her they’d the see the world outside the walls together. He still wanted to kill the Titans but he didn’t want to go outside the walls anymore. He felt like it would be breaking his promise and betraying her.

On that night, he threw the badge away. He threw it because he was angry at her. He didn’t think she’d leave her. _Not this soon._ Their life together was just starting. He threw it away because he was angry at himself. That badge was an excruciating reminder that it was all that was left of her. They didn’t even get to bury her body. He knew they had to drop bodies from the carriage because they needed to pick up speed, but it didn’t make him feel better. He felt even worse—they had to leave her rotting away in the open for the sake of humanity. She sacrificed her life for the people, but they wouldn't even know her name. He threw the badge away because angry at the world— _this godforsaken world_ —for allowing this monstrosity to happen.

The **third night** after he lost her, he was supposed to write letters to the families of the bereaved. He looked at the next name on the list and his hand shook. He gripped the pen tighter. He hated paperwork, but he’d do every single paperwork in the damn Regiment if it meant he never would have to write the letter for the family of the person whose name he was staring at. He remembered how he was approached by her father whose eyes had been hopeful when they got back. He wanted to scream.

_I can’t do it. Do it for me and I’ll take all your paperwork._

Those were his first words to Hange after the expedition. He was bargaining his way out—he couldn’t bring himself to do it. He couldn’t even say her name. It was just stuck there, lodged in his throat. He couldn’t say it because every time he tried to, it burned. It burned his throat, his lungs, his insides. It was killing him alive.

On that night, he drowned himself in paperwork. He did paperwork until his hand hurt, until eyes drooped, hoping that when the sunrise came that name would no longer be in the list of dead people. That wish never came true.

The **fourth night** after he lost her, he took his favorite cravat. The one he always wore. The one she gave him. It was stained with her blood after he had tried to clean her face when her body was still on the carriage. He wanted her to look peaceful, like she was sleeping. She always carried with her a sense of peacefulness, though, even when she was vibrantly chatting with the squad.

_I see you everywhere._

He saw her in the cravat she gave him and put on his neck, in the door where her back leaned when they first kissed, in the bed where they would sometimes lie next to each other thinking about the world outside and say ‘I love you’s to each other, in the chair where she used to sit whenever she did paperwork with him. He couldn’t stop looking for something that was no longer there. Someone who was no longer there. Because she was just _all around him_.

On that night, he didn’t sleep. He looked at the cravat and held it like his life depended on it. He wasn’t a big fan of alcohol, but that night he took a swig. And another. And another. Until he had already finished three bottles and his eyes were bloodshot. He hated that he had such high alcohol tolerance, because he just wanted to sleep everything away and forget everything that had happened. Who knew agony like this was possible? It was becoming unbearable by the minute. And he had to bear it _alone._ Not even a single cadet from his squad was left. By what right, by _WHAT RIGHT_ then, could he be called Humanity’s Strongest Soldier if he couldn’t protect even the ones he love? He thought of Isabel, of Farlan, of his squad, and of all the men who died under his watch. Does anybody deserve to be hurt like this? Maybe the universe thought he did.

The **fifth night** after he lost her, he looked at himself in the mirror. He touched his lips. These were the lips she had last tasted, and these lips would never taste hers again. Taped on his mirror was a picture of the two of them. He took it and looked at it long and hard. He memorized the crinkles in her eyes, the smile he adored so much, and the way he looked at her with his arm around her waist and her arms around his waist. It was the final time he would look at that picture. He wanted to remember her forever, but looking at it would bring back too many memories. He didn't think he could handle going through the pain over and over again. He put it inside one of his drawers.

_Until we meet each other in the next life._

If a next life ever existed, he hoped he’d see her there again someday. It didn't matter how many lives would have to pass first until they met again or how long in each life he would have to wait, because if it meant seeing her beautiful face again, then he's willing to wait for as long as it takes. He would choose her in the next life and all the lives after that.

There were needles in his chest, and there were hands pinching and tearing his heart. Is it possible for time to mend a heart as battered and bruised as his? He hoped so. He truly hoped so. He didn’t he know he was capable of loving and feeling _this much._ He didn't think he could love and feel _at all._

On that night, he said seven words so softly like she was right beside him and it was only hers to hear. “Goodbye, Petra. I will always love you,” he whispered in the dead of the night. He said it with such reverence and grace and care and sadness and hope and longing and love. It was the first time he spoke her name after she died, and it was the last time he would ever speak of her or her name ever again.


	2. Five Days Before She Was Gone

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A glimpse of their last five days together—in Petra's eyes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This isn’t the beyond-the-walls Levi one-shot I mentioned in the previous chapter although I STILL plan to do that one. Sorry if you were expecting that, but this idea just popped in my head and I thought it also fits the theme of the story. Enjoy!

**Five days** before she was gone, she bought him again his favorite black tea. “I hope you don't mind, but this is the biggest one I could get this time,” she said. “This should last for at most two weeks!” She was fascinated at how someone could drink _so much_ tea in a day. But she loved making it for him, anyway. Especially ever since she added sugar and honey, he started requesting specifically for that. Which took her by surprise. She thought it would be the end of her when she didn't give him his regular, plain tea, but they were running out of supply back then and she wanted to add more flavor and try something new.

_I love spoiling you. I hope you remember me whenever you drink tea._

That day, she drank tea with him silently. He wasn't big with words, unlike her, but she was comfortable with that. He was the peace in her life. She hoped he'd remember her when he drinks it, because he's all she ever remembers when she smells it even from someone else's cup.

 **Four days** before she was gone, he asked her if she wanted to do sparring with him. It was late in the afternoon, and they had just finished supervising the cadets on their ODM gear training. The sun was a striking light of orange, and she couldn't help but notice how it fell perfectly on his face, casting shadows that made him even look more godly than he already was. “Oi. You're in my squad, so don't space out, idiot,” he called out. She smiled and looked at him intently in the eyes.

_I want to spend times like these with you forever._

Well—maybe _not exactly_ forever. After, all she wanted to eliminate the titans too. But if she was going to spend the rest of her life killing them, then she might as well spend her times with him like this. What she didn't know was that he thought the same thing, as the sun made her smiling face look more angelic than it ever was.

That day, she thanked the sun. She thanked the sun for allowing her to witness his beauty in ways she thought unimaginable. The sun could rise and set a thousand times and she wanted to experience every single one of it with him. She didn't care if it was through sparring, killing titans, or simply sitting on a hill and watching the view beyond—maybe the sea. She didn't care, as long as it's with him.

 **Three days** before she was gone, they were doing paperwork. Being in the elite squad of the Corps, they were too busy every now and then. Him, especially. Being the captain was no easy task, but he took it fearlessly. Sometimes, whenever she had time, she would gather some papers from his stack and help him do the work. That day, though, they had paperwork of their own to do. She decided to do it right next to him—it brought her a different kind of comfort to know he was there.

She fell asleep without meaning to, tired from writing and reading too much. When she awoke, she was already on his bed. She walked towards the door that connected his bedroom to his workplace, and saw him still working. She had been asleep for two hours, and yet he still hadn't stopped. She wondered why, when she knew he was already about to finish when she first entered. Then you saw that nearly no paper was left in your stack. So that's why.

_Even if you don't like to show it, you really are the kindest person I know._

Her heart was big, but somehow she thought his was bigger. For someone who had been broken down and teared apart over a thousand times, someone who had lost so many, he sure was kind in his own way. He may have to work on his anger issues, though. _This is why I love you._ Not everyone saw it, but she knew, deep down, he cared about his friends, his squad, his comrades. She knew he had this deep desire to see a time where everybody is free from this world shackled by titans.

That day, she felt that desire of his the most. She didn't know why, but she did. And she damn made sure she was going to help him achieve it.

 **Two days** before she was gone, he kissed her. It wasn't like any of the kisses they shared before. They were usually gentle and caring, but that day, they were stronger—rushed and hungry, like she would disappear any moment. His hands were in her hair and he pushed her closer, if that was even possible. And she loved the feeling.

_Your lips set my heart on fire._

This kind of heat was new to her, but that's what made it all the more exciting. She didn't know he was capable of this, and she didn't know _she_ was capable of responding back with the same amount of fierceness. _You never fail to surprise me_. They kissed and they kissed until there was nothing left but to breathe. _If this is what kissing you feels like, then kiss me like there's no tomorrow_.

That was the day she heard him say ‘Don't leave me,‘ through his kisses. And she kissed him with the same passion, as if to say, ‘I wouldn't.‘ She meant it.

 **One day** before she was gone, they lay side-by-side in bed. It was one of those rare moments they would spend time together in such tranquility. Oftentimes, that peace was given whenever there's an upcoming expedition. It was the calm before the storm.

“Let's see the world outside together,” he hummed while stroking her hair. She breathed contently, and replied with hope in her voice, “Together.” It was their unique way of saying ‘I love you‘—the final one they would ever say to each other. The promise of a better tomorrow.

_And a promise is a promise._

That was the day they slept together soundly, and little did they know, for the last time. He never cared much for sleeping in bed, really, thanks to his insomnia. But he wasn't going to let this chance pass, not when this might be their last— _no, don't think that_. He wasn't going to let this chance pass, not when she was the one who asked for it.

_Together._

And in her **last five minutes** , she remembered all of these days. She didn't know if this was what they called ”life flashing before your eyes” but she knew—she knew wasn't going to make it out alive. She really believed she could and she would—just like how she had told Eren to believe in the squad. And at first, it angered her. _I wanted to do so much more._

When she saw her comrades dead, she cursed the world. She cursed this cruel, wicked world—and she rarely did that. _It's not fair. It's NOT FAIR!_ She didn't understand why her friends—her good, kind friends must suffer at the hands of something so vile. None of them deserved this. None of them chose or even asked for this life—this life with monsters, and yet it was the one handed to them.

But as the angered dissipated, she was left with sadness and worry. The last five days she had with him were beautiful, but they were all distant memories to her now. It seemed so long ago. She sighed shakily and longingly. _I'm sorry, Levi. Looks like I'm about to break that promise._

And finally, all she was left with was a firm resolve. If she was going to die, she will die trying. Like how Levi would want her to, like how _she_ _wanted to_. She looked for the Female Titan, ready to take her on and buy the others time as best as she could. One day, maybe not this life, she will see the light of the world outside with Levi. And that's the thing that kept her going. The final thought before she was gone. Because that was the only thing she could do—hope.

_One day._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Inspired by The 5 Love Languages prompt :) Check out the fics (a Levi/Reader and a Dramione one) I'm working on! Leave feedback as well, thank you :)

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by the 5 Stages of Grief prompt :) Did it hurt? Tell me if it did, because it certainly hurt me when I wrote it HAHA! I'm thinking of writing a continuation, like another chapter/one shot of Levi's thoughts but this time he's beyond the walls staring at the ocean or something. Tell me what you think about it. Maybe I will write it soon? Who knows lol. In the meantime, I hope you enjoyed the feels!
> 
> Also leave feedback and check out my other works, thank you :)


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